Just To Sort Out My Thoughts...

I feel like lately life is just a series of problems and deadlines and obligations.

I love you so much, baby. We're partners; don't be too independant. I'm here to help you through things. Let's work it out together. Keep in mind that the girls probably won't understand our relationship. We're different, baby.

I'm smoking too much. I think I'm going to quit, soon. Maybe after "The Tempest" is through.

So I'm back in school after a week in New York City. I saw all the things you're supposed to see in New York; we took the Ferry to Staten Island, we smoked cigarettes on the top of the Empire State Building, we took the elevator up the Statue of Liberty and saw the Ellis Island Immigration Museum, we saw "The Producers" on Broadway, we had hot dogs in Time Square and bought "I <3 NY" t-shirts, we walked through Central Park, we saw Chinatown and had lunch in Little Italy, we saw an exhibit in the Guggenheim Museum, we went shopping in the Manhatten Mall and Macy's, we visited St. Patrick's Cathedral, we saw Grand Central Station and the Rockefeller Center and Madison Square Garden... To name a few. There are pictures on facebook. Here's the link.

http://hanover.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2001630&id=63401051

But best of all, I got to spend a week with my baby. You're so good to me. Don't worry... Tu veux connaitre un secret? Je t'aime, bebe.

New York is so diverse and crazy... I really liked it. It was a great experience. But now it's back to the old grindstone. I'm off to Spanish class... It's a busy week for me.

I'm sick.

My baby's been in a really good mood the last couple days. It makes me really happy.

I got chinese food with Annie today, since my spanish class was cancelled. That made me happy, too.

I've assassinated three people. The fourth is going to be tricky.

I make fun of Leslie for her goldfish, but I secretly want to get one for Cody and myself.

I think I'm going to go do some psychology homework.

I'm recovering from a terrible week. I'm a lot better, after working things out.

Rehersal got out early, so that was nice. Psychology test, tomorrow. I'm nervous. I ran three miles yesterday, and my calves are feeling it, today.

I want a milkshake. I think I'm going to go get one.

I had one of the worst nights of my life, last night.

I'm feeling really insecure, now, baby. Help me, please. I love you so much.

Not much to do, tonight. I'm all caught up on my reading and homework. I got my passport paperwork filled out.

Things have been going good, lately. My baby and I are doing well. We had a sad little conversation last night, though. I don't like to think about the impending stress that our relationship will undergo this summer. I don't want to lose my baby. I feel like I should try to fight, somehow, to keep this relationship. I've never been so happy...

Except for when Andy started stomping on that goddamned singing snowman at Greenwood, Saturday night. That made me pretty happy, too. I'm still laughing about it. It's a metaphor. Hehe.

I'm going to kill Mr. Doenges.

I've got this song stuck in my head. It reminds me of something.

I'm back at Hanover. And I'm happy to be back. It felt a little strange, at first, but I didn't even realize how much I missed my college.

I went to the gym, this morning. I'm going to try to make it a thing, this semester. My chest and lungs are sore, but it feels good. Ellen said that running produces endorphins which make you happy. I'm happy.

I'm excited about my classes, today. Today will just be syllabus day, so it'll be nice. My first class isn't until noon. Good schedule. Busy, but good.

I'm going to take a shower, then see if my baby wants to get lunch with me.

My baby is back. I am so happy.

My head is reeling. I don't know what to do. I wish I could cry, or something, just to get my emotions out of me. What a way to start out the new year. I have no idea how this is going to play out. God, I hate confrontation.

I had an awesome New Year's Eve, though, if that's any consolation.

I miss my baby.

I'd give anything for a kiss from my baby.

I got drunk with Steph and Zane on Christmas Day. It was a good Christmas. I haven't been doing much with my break. Drinking, catching up with a few people, wasting my money at Hollister and Abercrombie.

I'd rather be at school.

I want to be away from Bracken County. Although they are letting me drink now, which makes it a little more tolerable. I took a couple shots of moonshine with my father earlier, and I'm working on my second glass of homemade blackberry wine. I've at least got a nice buzz to dull the inescapable monotony of this place. Home, sweet home.

I miss my baby. I'd give anything for a kiss.

My GPA for the first semester is a 3.2, and I'm satisfied with that. A Hanover 3.2 is pretty damn decent.

I'm going to go pour another glass.

I feel weird... Am I homesick? I am home. Sort of... I want break to be over, already. I want to be back at Hanover.

Because at Hanover, my father isn't taking my mother to court again. And at Hanover, my car isn't in the shop with a thousand dollar bill. At Hanover, we don't need a designated driver. I don't have to attend regular family functions. I can smoke. I live with my friends. I can be myself.

Or it could just be that I miss my baby. So much. God, it's only been three days... I'm going to go insane within the next twenty. I know it.

I spent eighty-four dollars and sixty-four cents at the electronics department at Wal-Mart, today. I gave the cashier a fifty, a twenty, a ten, and a five. He took the bills, and shuffled them around in his hands for a while. I started to get impatient, then I realized why he was stalling. He couldn't count them. I counted the bills for him, so he could enter the amount into the computer. I don't know why I wrote that. It just made me feel really sad, I guess.

A terrible week is coming to an end. I suffered through it. Now just a few final exams and I get a glorious three-week break. I'm not really looking forward to it, though; I'm going to miss my baby really much.

Gideon is going well, I guess. Tonight is the final performance. I had callbacks for and got cast in "The Tempest" today.

I'm going to get quite drunk again, tonight, to celebrate the closure of this ridiculously busy week.

I hate Hanover College theater.

I want to relinquish my acting scholarship. I don't know what to do.

So much work, this week. Examen en espanol, set crew, presentation, meetings, chamber choir concert rehearsals, research papers, dress rehearsals for Gideon... I wrote eight pages last night, and somehow I'm going to write six more tonight. I'm getting my ass kicked, and no one is to blame but my own procrastination.

I love you more each time I see you.

I'm going to go prewrite.

I had an amazing Thanksgiving break. Thank you.

I don't really care about your past... Your experiences just intimidate me, I guess. I love you, still.

It's good to be back at Hanover. Back to work for a few weeks, but it feels like home, here.

I have a headache.

I'm in love. It feels good.

I'm glad to be going home for Thanksgiving, but a little nervous. Everything will work out fine, though, I'm sure.

Bridget decorated a pine tree with my underwear. She's declared war... Well, then, she'll get her war...

I've got papers to write.

I hope I'm not rushing us. I had a great weekend.

I just got back from rehearsal for Handel's "Messiah". It was dull, but not as dull as I'm sure rehearsal will be, tonight.

Sarah said I'm getting fat.

I need to start on one of those three six-page papers that are due, but right now, I don't want to be in my room. I'm going to go bullshit with the ladies on the first floor, maybe get some food.

I don't really know what to write, anymore... I'm so happy with you. Things are running so smoothly.

I hate rehearsals for Gideon. I don't like the show. It's dragging and slow and dull. And the people there are distant to me, and a little abrasive. I literally have to force myself to go waste three hours at the theatre every night. I like my character, though. I don't know. I'm trying to decide whether it's worth the scholarship.

I have three big papers due, but the due dates are so distant that I can't bring myself to start on them.

I can't wait to see you, tonight.

Big, fat, ugly Eurasia test, today. I hope I studied hard enough. I had to write essays on Marxism and the French Revolution... Not too bad, I guess.

I'm looking forward to tonight. It's been a long week, and I'm almost through. I'm out of cloves, and I hate it. I have a pretty ugly hickey.

I like you more and more every time I see you.

It's beautiful outside, today.

So you want to know what I'm thinking? I guess I can start updating, again. I told you though, when I'm happy, I don't need a journal. And I've been very happy, lately.

This is probably the healthiest relationship that I've ever had. Everything is so mutual, and it feels really good. And it's helped stabilize me, and that's something that I needed.

I haven't updated in so long... Not too much has happened. My grades are great. My aunt sent me a box of brownies in the mail. I've been hanging out at Greenwood a lot, and I love it there. I'm feeling good about "Gideon". Halloween weekend was a blast. Our choir is doing really well. I'm drinking a lot less, but smoking a lot more. I register for classes for next semester tomorrow. My parents are coming up to see me in two weekends. It's laundry day.

Nothing too exciting, but I'm happy.

I was so happy to get to see you tonight. I wanted to spend the night with you again, but I understand the stress of writing last minute papers. I hate not being with you, though. And I love laying next to you.

It was good to see my old friends and family for a while. But it's good to be back.

Just got back from Louisville. Crazy time. Partied hard, had a lot of fun. I didn't realize how much I'd missed Steph. I'll be going down more often to see her and Jenny.

I'm home, finally. And it feels good. Haven't seen this place or my parents or my old friends in about two months. I can't wait to shower barefoot. I'm feeling good.

I miss you, though. Badly. I can't wait to see you tomorrow night.

Great night. You're amazing. And I like your friends. Fall break is going to be tough. I miss you already...

I get to see Steph in less than seven hours.

Worst day of college ever. Six and a half hours of classes, two midterm exams, a test, and I'm going on two hours of sleep.

It should be the worst day, anyhow, but I'm doing okay. I had a great time last night. I'm going to miss you badly over fall break.

On the bright side, I'm scheduled to go visit Steph at Louisville tomorrow, so that's pretty great. And I get to go home and see my parents and some people at NKU on Monday and Tuesday. So that's great, too.

Great night. I feel so good.

Movie, then strike.

I'm feeling pretty good, lately. I can't stop thinking about you...

Maybe I should slow down a little when I'm in public. People are starting to stare. Not that I don't love stares...

Une autre grande nuit. Merci.

Crazy night, last night. C'était grand.